As the sun sets on summer and September ends it’s time to catch up on the goings on in the EFL, and once again we’ve invited those lovable rogues Saint and Greavsie to give us the lowdown. This month Greavsie lost his bus pass, only to discover that he’d put it in the pocket of his spare cardigan and clean forgotten about it. Will their hijinks never end?
Greavsie: (singing) Oh what a night, late September back in ’63, Spurs scored three and we beat Chelsea, I remember what a night! Ah happy happy happy days Saint, before that rotten old sod Alf Ramsey ruined everything.
Saint: What, you mean by winning the World Cup, Jim?
Greavsie: He may have won the World Cup, but he won it the wrong way – I tell you, if I’d have been on the pitch that day there’d be no talk fifty-one years later about a bent Russian linesman.
Saint: I’m not sure you can say that anymore, you know?
Greavsie: What, Russian? Bleedin’ hell. Alright Kazhakstani or wherever he was from. It’s political correctness gone mad.
Saint: No, I mean, oh forget it. Shall we have a look at what’s been going on in England’s second, third and fourth premier league based competitions?
Greavsie: Well, I’ll drink to that (drinks). Just as long as those garden tools from the Canterbury Tales aren’t still top.
Greavsie: Bleedin’ hell. How’ve they managed that?
Saint: That’s right Jimmy, Cardiff City remain top of the Endsleigh Division One thanks to a great month in which they only lost one game, and beat their rivals Leeds United 3-1 in the Welsh capital. They’re being closely followed by the Portuguese revolution in the black country, as Wolverhampton Wanderers move into second after four wins in six.
Greavsie: It’s all going off in the middle of the country ain’t it? I should think there’s a few clubs from down London way in the chasing pack?
Saint: Er, no, actually. Newly promoted Sheffield United are the surprise packages so far this season, with an excellent 4-2 win at Hillsborough in the Steel City derby the highlight of their September. Bristol City are another team springing surprises as they sit in fourth, while Leeds and Preston North End make up the rest of the play-offs.
Greavsie: Those rotten northern monkeys. So what about the London teams then, Saint?
Saint: Well, Fulham are sat in tenth place, three points off the playoffs, after winning the West London derby at Loftus Road on Friday. Their opponents, Queens Park Rangers, find themselves languishing in 16th. Brentford have strung together a run of four without defeat to lift themselves out of the relegation zone.
Greavsie: Well that’s a relief. There must be some right old dross down the bottom there, eh?
Saint: Well Bolton Wanderers already look like they’ll be heading straight back down to League One, as they’re yet to win a game in their first eleven. Sensationally, Sunderland are caught in the mire having endured a dreadful September, including a 5-2 battering at Ipswich, though a draw at manager Simon Grayson’s former club Preston at the weekend gives the Black Cats something to build on. The bottom three is completed by Birmingham City.
Greavsie: (sprays drink out of mouth) You what?! ‘arry’s team are in the bottom three? How’s that happened?
Saint: Erm, have you not read any newspapers this month Jim?
Greavsie: I tend not to, Saint. No news is good news as far as I’m concerned.
Saint: Ah, its just that Harry Redknapp was sacked after losing at home to Preston.
Greavsie: No, not ‘arry. He’s one of the good guys. A proper football man.
Saint: Well results weren’t going his way, and despite spending plenty of money wheeling and dealing…
Greavsie: Eh? Ah no, f*ck off, I’m not having that (storms out).
Saint: Oh, er, well. Anyway, Norwich City have recovered from their poor start to go five games unbeaten and shoot up to ninth, and they’re joined up there by Aston Villa, who’ve won four in a row. Hull City are the league’s most entertaining team, capping the month off with a 6-1 win against Birmingham City, having started it with a 5-0 defeat at Derby County. Joint top scorer in the league Jarrod Bowen, who was brought through the Tigers’ academy, has accounted for seven of their 22 goals so far this season. Err….shall I just carry on doing this by myself? I think usually at this point Jimmy would say something crass and mildly offensive using regional stereotypes about a certain team, but I’ll just say that, as it stands, Wolves are looking like one of the form teams, but Aston Villa are racing towards the summit of the table, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see them vying for an automatic place at the end of October. Shall we do League One?
Greavsie: I’d just like to apologise for my outburst there, Saint. It’s bloody unacceptable really. We’re a pair of professional broadcasters, and you can’t go round swearing on air.
Saint: Well, this is an entirely written feature so I wouldn’t worry about that. I’m sure we can sensor any rude words where necessary.
Greavsie: Well why the f*ck didn’t you tell me that sooner you soppy old c*nt! F*ckin’ hell! I’ve been minding my pees and f*cking cues all this time and I could have been swearing up a right old f*cking treat!
Saint: (laughing nervously) Well, let’s keep it civil eh, Jimmy?
Greavsie: All right Saint you old w*nker. Go on, on you go.
Saint: So, League One. Remarkably Shrewsbury Town have risen to the top of the league after five wins and a draw in September. They’ve usurped Peterborough who’ve lost their last two games. Wigan Athletic sit in second place, four points behind the Shrews.
Greavsie: The Shrews? What kind of nickname is that?
Saint: Well, its short for Shrewsbury.
Greavsie: I know, but a shrew? A little tiny shrew? Doesn’t exactly strike fear into the heart. Not like my old teams, The Pensioners and The Cockerels.
Saint: What’s so scary about pensioners?
Greavsie: (whispers) We hold the keys to the future. We can vote for whatever mad old sh*t we like, and we’ll be long dead before it even comes in! Then all those young b*stards will have to deal with it!
Saint: Oh I see. Well, yes. Anyway, you’ll be pleased to hear that Charlton are sat in fifth place in League One.
Greavsie: Thank Christ for that. Nice to see a proper club, with proper roots, and a proper Cockney owner doing well for themselves.
Saint: Err, you know their owner is from Belgium, don’t you Jimmy?
Greavsie: You what? Belgium? What do Belgiums know about football?
Saint: They’re called Belgians, Jimmy. And, well there’s quite a few of their players doing well over here at the moment.
Greavsie: Where? I ain’t seen a Belgium anywhere.
Saint: They’re all in (points upwards, whispers) that league.
Greavsie: Oh right, course. That league.
Saint: Anyway, a bad month for Plymouth leaves them rooted tot the bottom of the table, and they’re joined by AFC Wimbledon, Gillingham and Northampton Town.
Greavsie: Not looking good for the Pilgrims is it.
Saint: Not at all Jim, one win in eleven is certainly relegation form.
Greavsie: Oh, sorry Saint I was back on the Canterbury Tales. Still, that Wife of Bath eh? She’s a right old goer.
Saint: Shall we head over to League Two?
Greavsie: Now it says here Barnet are in eighteenth.
Saint: That’s right Jim, a poor month for the Bees…
Greavsie: Do you know, it says on my Wickedpedia that I played for Barnet. But I can’t remember it for the life of me. I do remember being bald at the start of the 1980s though. Just goes to show, life isn’t always Barnet Fair is it?
Saint: Are you going to tell that story every month?
Saint: You told us the exact same story in the August round-up.
Greavsie: Did I really? So not only did I forget my time at Barnet, I forget that I’d told you about forgetting my time at Barnet. It’s an infinite loop.
Saint: Not if we stop it here it’s not.
Greavsie: All right Saint. Duly noted. No more stories about Barnet.
Saint: So, as we’ve established, Barnet are 18th, and its looking tight down the bottom with Forest Green Rovers, Chesterfield and Port Vale all on five points. At the top of the league Notts County have been flying, but were pegged back at the weekend with a 3-1 defeat in their derby at Mansfield. The Lincolnshire derby between Grimsby Town and Lincoln City finished goalless, but both sides are looking comfortable in mid-table. Exeter’s good start has been tempered by two defeats in September, while Accrington Stanley…
Saint: …have worked their way into third.
Greavsie: Like the advert, Saint. ‘I could play for Accrington Stanley…who’s Accrington Stanley…let’s have a pint of bitter’.
Saint: I think it was milk…actually forget it. Thanks for joining us for this month’s EFL round-up. We’ll have another one of these same time next month!
Greavsie: Of course, my favourite advert was those chimps making the tea. That creased me up that did. I mean come on, chimpanzees! It really was a very good advert.
Saint: Say goodbye, Jim.
Greavsie: Are you taking me somewhere? Can we go to the toilet?
Saint: And it’s goodbye from me.