After an action packed August it’s time to look back at the first month of season in the EFL, and who better to cast their cataracts over all the lower league action than Saint and Greavsie. Since the end of their eponymous show in 1992, Ian St. John and Jimmy Greaves have been regulars on the After Dinner Speaking circuit, regaling crowds of stories from when football was a man’s game. Now both in their late seventies, the duo enjoy a nice sit down, a pot of tea, and Cash in the Attic, as well as keeping abreast of the goings on outside of the Premier League.
Greavsie: Strike a light and stone the crows, Saint! We’ve only gone and got ourselves a job back at the forefront of football reporting!
Saint: Hoho, you’re not wrong there. I’ve heard tell that (squinting) That’s Liquid Football has a readership nearing double figures.
Greavsie: What’s ‘Liquid Football’?
Greavsie: Oohh! Well I don’t mind if I do (drinks), now, without further ado let’s have a look at the Endsleigh Division One.
Greavsie: Now Manchester United are top of the league, surprise surprise, and…
Saint: Err, Jimmy…that’s the Premier League. You know, the reason they took Saint and Greavsie off the air…
Greavsie: Oh you’re ‘avin a giraffe. Right then. Well, what’s this Cardiff are top of the league?!
Saint: That’s right Greavsie, Colin Wanker’s team have maximum points with five wins in the bag, with an impressive 3-0 victory against Aston Villa in the bag. And its been a mixed bag for the Villans as they sit in 18th position, having won only one game so far this season.
Greavsie: Is that allowed? A Welsh team?
Saint: Aye, well they’ve always played in the English league. Same with Swansea, Wrexham and Newport County.
Greavsie: It’s political correctness gone mad.
Saint: Don’t be such a grouch, Jimmy. Have another drink. Now, Ipswich Town are also surprising a few, as they finish the month in 2nd place. Their 4-3 thriller at Millwall was secured with an 88th minute winner from defender Jordan Spence.
Greavsie: And what about Chelsea?
Saint: They’re in the Premier League, Jimmy. They were probably rubbish the last time you watched them, but Roman Abramovich has come in since then and thrown a load of money at them.
Greavsie: Wasn’t he the villain in Moonraker?
Saint: No, Jim. No, he wasn’t.
Greavsie: Alright, alright. So how are the London clubs getting on?
Saint: Well, pre-season Fulham were expected to put up a big challenge after reaching the play-offs last year, but so far its not gone to plan with only four points on the board. Queens Park Rangers are also sitting midtable on 10 points, while Millwall and Brentford have 5 and 2 points respectively.
Greavsie: And what’s been the surprise of the opening month?
Saint: Probably at Carrow Road, where Daniel Farke…
Greavsie: I beg your pardon?
Saint: Daniel Farke, he’s the new manager at Norwich.
Greavsie: Farke? Is he a fighter plane?
Saint: No, he’s a very promising young coach from Germany. You see, Norwich pinched Huddersfield Town’s Director of Football last season, and he’s come in and tried to repeat the trick he pulled with David Wagner. Unfortunately it’s not going to plan so far.
Greavsie: Well that’s German engineering for you. I bet Delia won’t be pleased she’s plumped for such a pudding.
Saint: Well the new man needs time, but shipping eight goals in their last two games won’t do him any favours. I would expect Norwich to rise up the table in September, though.
Greavsie: And do you think those Taffs will get promoted?
Saint: Tut. It’s early days, and they showed no sign of this kind of form last season. But Wanker knows this league very well, so they’ve every chance of keeping it going.
Greavsie: Marvellous, shall we have a look at Endsleigh Division Two?
Saint: Well after 5 games The Posh are top, with four wins and one draw.Saturday’s stalemate at Doncaster ended their incredible run of averaging three goals a game, and most of that is down to Jack Marriott, a summer signing from Luton Town. The young Yorkshireman has scored 6 goals already this season and looks odds on to better his return of 8 in League Two last season.
Greavsie: Good old Captain Jack. I bet he likes a swig of the old grog from time to time, eh? (winks)
Saint: Sorry Jimmy, I don’t follow…
Greavsie: Jack Marriott. He was a sailor, Saint.
Saint: Oh, hoho, very good. Anyway, pre-season favourites for the League One title, Blackburn Rovers, currently find themselves in 11th place, having played a game fewer than most of the league. A leaky defence has let them down so far, and defeats in their opening two games have come as quite a surprise. Fellow Yonners Wigan Athletic currently occupy a play-off place, but will be expecting to challenge for automatic promotion come the end of the season.
Greavsie: And what about the London clubs, Saint?
Saint: Well Charlton Athletic, still troubled by their absent owner, sit in third place after an excellent start, while AFC Wimbledon have had a mixed August, winning one and drawing one of their opening five games. The three goals they’ve scored so far will be a worry.
Greavsie: Any other surprises?
Saint: Not really, last season’s strugglers Gillingham and Oldham are in the bottom four, while Northampton Town have acted quickly after losing their first four fixtures by sacking Justin Edinburgh.
Greavsie: Sounds like a whiskey move, Saint.
Greavsie: A whiskey move. Risky move. Edinburgh. Scotland. Scotch. Whiskey. A whiskey move.
Saint: Oh I see, yes. Very good Greavsie. I tell you what, lets have a look at League Two, shall we?
Greavsie: Don’t you mean Endsleigh Division Three?
Saint: Well its not been called that since…yes, that’s what I mean.
Greavsie: Now it says here Barnet are in ninth.
Saint: That’s right Jim, a decent start for the Bees…
Greavsie: Do you know, it says on my Wickedpedia that I played for Barnet. But I can’t remember it for the life of me. I do remember being bald at the start of the 1980s though. Just goes to show, life isn’t always Barnet Fair is it?
Saint:…with two wins and a draw from the first five games. Last year’s beaten play-off finalists Exeter City are top of the league, closely followed by Stevenage and Accrington Stanley. The entertainers so far this season have been Wycombe Wanderers, who’ve seen an amazing 24 goals hit the net in their opening fixtures – that’s nearly five goals a game!
Greavsie: (unenthusiastically) Wow.
Saint: Meanwhile, Yeovil Town have recovered from their opening day 8-2 defeat at Luton to win two of their last four games and lift them out of the bottom two. League new boys Forest Green Rovers are struggling just above the drop zone, providing a strong argument against veganism, while last season’s survivors Newport County find themselves in a playoff spot at this early stage – what about that, Jimmy?
Saint: Jimmy…I said what about that? Eh? Jimmy? JIMMY?
Greavsie: AHH GEOFF HURST YOU ROBBING BASTARD. Sorry Saint, just drifted off there. I fancy Tottenham’s chances.
Saint: Right. Well, I think it’s time you and I had a cup of tea. See you next time folks. Roll credits!
Greavsie: This is on the world wide web isn’t it Saint? I don’t think they have credits.
Saint: Oh, shut up Greavsie.